Relationship with voices

The voices I hear and my relationship with them is and has always been a big part of my life. There is much to explain and many stories to share about voices and my life with them. I have another blog which I have dedicated specifically to share with others about the voices I hear. But I do not feel like I can write about relating on this blog without also writing at least a bit about my voices so I have decided to share a story from that blog here.

One of those experiences…

Today has not been particularly satisfying.

It started with me waking up crying because of yet another nightmare about being violated, my personal space being invaded and nobody hearing me or caring about the pain I am expressing in the dream. It left me feeling vulnerable and as I got up I realised that on top of my emotional distress I had a migraine wanting to pay a visit…

Now I’ve got numerous ways to go about my migraines; today I started with painkillers, pancakes and coffee and when that didn’t lift the pain (which it does sometimes, honestly!) I went on to distract myself from it with Facebook and watching FC Barcelona’s match from last night. That worked fairly well for about an hour then the migraine decided to tighten its grip around my brain cells… I started getting annoyed, swearing at the migraine, the pain, my sensitivity and all those little sensations that feels like knives being thrown straight into my skull, telling all of it to f*** off and give me some space.

No better, no worse. But the annoyance made me restless and I decided to go for a walk. The weather had turned grey and cold and with a pair of sunglasses I knew I would be able to handle the light outside. Taking migraines for a walk can be a relief; I just have to walk slowly as not to raise my pulse, focus on breathing gently and just let the cold cool my head and body.

I went through the woods and down to the beach where I did some grounding exercises and a standing meditation. Then I walked on but when another wave of pain hit me I decided to rest for a while. I found some big rocks by the water that I could lean against in an angle, so that I ways half standing, half lying down.

The tide was low, the water calmly licking the sand and the rocks. After watching the water and skies for a while, I leaned my head back, hugged my arms around myself and closed my eyes hoping to doze off and get a break from the pain.

I got a couple of minutes peace when out of the blue, a voice – sounding somewhat like my partner – said to me:

“It is not safe here, you need to get going.”

My first reaction was to get annoyed, as I often do with insisting voices. I prefer it when they stick to their own frequencies and I can selectively tune in and out of what they are saying and doing. Anyway – in my mind I went:

“What is this? What are you on about?”

And the voice persisted

“It is not safe here.”

I thought; alright I will check it out, opened my eyes, lifted my head gently and had a look around. No suspicious people lurking about, no dark thunder clouds gathering above me. Everything looked quiet and I still really just wanted to rest my aching head for a while. So I closed my eyes again and told the voice that I thought things looked calm and I needed to rest. The voice still persisted:

“Please trust me, you need to move”

I slowly collected myself as not to make the migraine worse and got off the rock. Inwardly I was rolling my eyes like a teenager, having a go at the voice and telling it:

“Alright, happy now? I am getting out of here, no point in trying to rest anyway now you made me feel unsafe. Doing it your way…”

And I started carefully walking away from the water towards the woods. After about ten steps I suddenly heard the rush of water over sand and pebbles. I turned around in time to see the water pulling quickly away from the beach, big waves rising and fiercely coming down, water gushing up beyond the place I had just been standing, flowing around the rock I had been leaning against. I was amused and stunned at the same time. I would definitely have had wet feet by then if I had not moved away and the sneak attack of the water and waves would have raised my pulse to unpleasant heights, causing aches I didn’t even want to think about…

I stood there for a while watching the fascinating phenomenon of these sudden forceful waves. They are like mini tsunamis caused by big and fast ships going in and out of the bay. I was contemplating if this was what the voice had warned me about.

But the voice had left so there was no point in asking it.

Now I don’t fully understand what or who the voices I hear are and I don’t know why I have these experiences. I’ve got plenty of theories, but I just don’t know for sure. It can be distressing at times and often quite hard work but it can also be fun and enlightening.

This is experience was one of those that gently reminded me why I cannot and will not live a life without the voices I hear. Even though my rational mind cannot explain what happened or why, the experience left me feeling deeply connected; to the water, to myself, to nature, to my own nature and intuition and because the voice – for whatever reason – had chosen to sound like my partner I felt connected to him too. Right there; alone, in pain and exhausted, I had been given a moment of beautiful belonging.

I left the beach and walked through woods enveloped in a wonderful sensation of being loved and looked after by life itself.

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