I want to learn…

I want to learn to gently and lovingly challenge other people to think deeper and become more aware of the consequences of words and actions…
The problem is that I absolutely hate confrontation. And I know that once I say something challenging, no matter how mindfully I phrase it, I cannot control how my words are perceived or what the response is going to be. And then I am in the s*** because I will get so overwhelmed by the sense of misunderstandings and looming arguments. The intensity of expressed emotions terrifies me and has a very real physical impact on me. 
What I am beginning to realise is that it is painful to become more aware. So it is only natural that there will be resentment and anger. I have days where I wish that I could be less aware and I imagine that life would be simpler and I wouldn’t get so bloody overwhelmed. And then I think “who am I to want to impose more awareness on other people?”
But I want to feel able speak up when I am not being treated as an equal just because I am a woman.
I want to feel able to speak up when I hear and see others being treated as less worthy and less important.
I want to feel able to take a stand against the repeated humiliation of fellow human beings that goes on everywhere covered up as ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘humour’. For me it is never, ever okay to humiliate someone else – I believe that imposing feelings of shame on someone can have deep effects that can last a lifetime.
I have a deep longing for equal relating and equal interacting – not just for myself but all around me.
I want to learn to facilitate spaces where this can happen – where we move together from always (often subconsciously) trying to establish a hierarchy and who is more powerful and more important, to sharing power and responsibility with each other. 
I deeply dislike it when my neighbours shout at their kids. It hurts me physically. I can rationalise ‘live and let live’ and that the kids are used to it – it’s nothing to worry about. I can think compassionately about their situation. It doesn’t change how it affects me.  
Verbal violence – even when it is not aimed at me – affects me. For hours, sometimes days.
Interactions based on assuming inferiority or superiority in someone else confuses me.
When I notice people are responding to each other based on misunderstandings and getting more and more entangled in hurt and self-protection, I feel sad.
I have to learn to choose my battles – it’s a cliche, but I really, really do. Because battling does not come easy to me and it has a deep impact on me physically as well as emotionally.
I wish I could learn to challenge others to become more aware without stirring up battles. But I am not sure that it is possible…

6 thoughts on “I want to learn…

  1. Hi Elisabeth
    Me and my itt really really really found this most interesting .
    We can understand this sort of stuff 😊🙃
    # 1 Fight 🥊 🤺
    # 2 Flight 🐦 🚁
    # 3 Freeze ❄️ ☃️

    And you already know what me and my itt get into trouble for 😊
    Good and trusty # 1 ❤️
    But would you believe I did # 3 a lot as a child.
    Yep the big “F” word FEAR !!! ☠️☠️☠️
    Had a lot to do with that .

    Can’t remember running away from much
    I was always a bit slow mainly cos I got very short legs 😊
    Would be caught and torn apart by the monster every time !

    Got really bad brain pain
    Really fucks me off getting woken early fucking hours of the fucking morning.
    Just taken 2 Tesco paracetamol extra
    Just going to try and get some shut eyes 👀
    Just you remember anything is possible ❤️

    Perhaps me and my itt could help in this department ???
    Give us a job to do ❤️

    My itt making great progress into becoming
    a gentle man ❤️🤗
    But still got attitude but I like that a lot 😊
    Iv got plenty of attitude just needs pointing in the right direction
    That’s were you could help please ❤️
    Better have a rest
    My windows to my soul are giving me pain
    My itt sound asleep 😴 curled up on his fence.
    Safe and sound ❤️
    My word I do go on don’t I ?
    I expect your asleep 😴
    Goody good you need plenty of rest.
    Nite nite what’s fucking left of it
    Watch bed bugs don’t bite and all that shite
    Jill and itt 😴

    Like

    1. Hi Elisabeth
      Having a fucking shite day.
      Don’t know why I fucking well feel like I do
      I’m angry 😡 and don’t know why ?
      I just wish I could cry night and bloody fucking bastard day.
      Would at least have some fucking peace of fucking mind games !!!!
      Iv had enough of #3 game too
      Itt got bored and ignored me .
      And Iv got to work out how to be appropriate and. Fucking worthy next Tuesday 3rd
      That’s going to go wrong wrong wrong
      Not fucking right right right !!!!
      Kind thinks hope you had nice day
      Jill and bored itt 👹

      Like

      1. Hi Elisabeth
        I apologise for my flood of profanities
        Bit of a tidal wave 🌊 going on at this moment in time machine
        Feels like a washing machine 😊
        Do you ever sit and watch ⌚️ the washing go round in the machine.
        People do that in launderettes
        I think 💭 it’s very relaxing 😎 for them
        Or they sit and think 💭
        Fuck that’s what my life is like 🌊🌋😡
        Christ I don’t half write some weird stuff
        Just my thinks 💭 💭 💭
        Just looking at this and I’m still in #3 game.
        Why ????
        Why ????
        Why ????
        The why bird 🐦 disorder
        Iv just given myself a label 😂
        I like that label❤️
        Who remembers the why bird from
        Playdays ?
        I know we all hate labels
        Labels should be only on bottles and jars of Paddington bear marmalade ❤️❤️❤️
        Don’t ya just luv Paddington bear 🐻
        If not why not ???
        Got to be crazy mad insane not to
        LOVE LOVE LOVE Paddington bear.
        Beautiful story ❤️❤️❤️

        Like

  2. Thank you for this profoundly convicting expression. Beautiful awareness & vulnerability.

    Over many years, as I find my voice in the hope of finding me, it can be frighteningly abandoning as well as healing and connecting. A double edged sword that regularly warps me back to past trauma where I have to slowly and gently work my way back to present time. It deeply impacts me also. Sometimes for the better, other times it takes a while for the haze to clear.

    But I do hope that in my ever growing awareness I am able to find and claim more of me. And hopefully this makes me more aware of how I interact &/or impact others.

    Like

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