There is always a backlash… Tales from times of uncertainty #5

Before covid I didn’t trust politicians
Before covid I didn’t go to maintream media for information
Before covid I knew that people working within medical science are just fallible humans like the rest of us

This past year has done nothing to change that

Witnessing the level of compliance across society has been deeply disturbing
Becoming complaint myself has made me feel suicidal, extremely low and very very scared…
Being told that I am a danger to other people, that people will die if I don’t comply…
Starting to believe that I am a danger
That my body is dangerous, contagious and not trustworthy
That my thoughts and feelings are unwelcome and dangerous

I am so tired and so confused

I need to be with people, sit together and talk, feel them, hear them and be heard.
Disagree with each other but love and respect each other at the same time

Humans are horrible

Humans are magnificent

Humans are wild and complicated

Humans are nature trying to control nature

Walking, talking paradoxes

Wonderful and awful

I am tired of fear
This is not a world I want to live in
So everyday I wake up and I think
How can I be the change I want to see
How can I make sure that there are moments and spaces and meetings between people
That are about trust and connection
About setting each other free to be different
About sharing and expressing
Our uncommonness

Feeling confused and scared is understandable
Needing safety and certainty is human
Wanting to feel powerful and in control is natural
Looking to someone else to guide us through chaos

This is where we all started, as vulnerable deeply dependent babies

I want to feel safe and reassured
But more than that I want to feel like me
I want to feel alive
I want to resist my urge to appease
To conform and fit in
I want to stop masking

I want to impulsively laugh, scream and sing
I want to hiss loudly into the face of that old teacher who made me doubt myself
I want to spit, sneeze, salivate, cough and sweat
I want to be a menace

I have been nice for too long