I am greatly addicted to control and I have always been painfully aware that self-cotrol was a strategy to try and fit in, be accepted and find belonging.

Self-consciousness and self-control has also been my go to survival strategy and it served me quite well. I am still alive.

But imposing control over myself and my surroundings comes at a cost. It’s a response to anxiety and overwhelm, I recognise that as I do it, and I know that it may not even bring temporary relief. Yet it is my auto-response. I have a deep-rooted belief that if I can control myself, I can control the situation. If I can change myself, I can change the world. If I behave correctly I will cause no harm… And I will not be rejected and excluded.

It is a simultaneously self-deprecating and grandiose belief.

I work hard everyday to meet my desire for control and certainty with compassion and thoughtfulness.

I try to remind myself that change happens with and without me.

I try to surrender to the uncertainty of life, accept my human complexity and be open to the confusion and suffering that having consciousness can bring.

The bulk of humanity has unfulfilled needs, a big one being connections, connections to nature, to community. This drives us to seek out apparent solutions, but the only readily available solutions are ones based on control, and unsustainable growth.

Charles Eisenstein

Although it may seem like our society is intensifying the narrative of war, control and domination, I believe that a shift of consciousness is bubbling just under the surface.

Charles Eisenstein