Tales from times of exhaustion #3 – rapidly fluctuating

Having a rubbish day.

Have left the kettle boiling away 4 times now… Kitchen is well steamed. Have no attention span what so ever. And my coordination sucks so am constantly dropping things and misjudging my movements.

Don’t have much patience with myself on a day like this. Wish I could just lie down and sleep and not be aware of anything. But if I lie down I start thinking about all sorts. Especially all the things I want or need to do but can’t. So I am up and about trying to keep myself distracted without doing too many stupid things…

Last week I was in a swamp of exhaustion. This week I am fluctuating rapidly which is frustrating to deal with. In a different way than the full on collapse. Last week I was readjusting to a massive change in ability and energy. This week I am having to constantly readjust to my fluctuating mood, fluctuating energy levels and fluctuating tolerance of my environment. I can go from feeling alright to feeling completely overwhelmed within minutes.

I want steady linear progress. I want certainty and predictability. I want to know that if I do A then I will feel like Z or C… But no. Because factor K, P, X, F, Y etc plays in. It’s a bloody mess. If I do A at one time I might feel Z but if I do it an hour later or in a different room or on a full stomach or after having done B then it affects me differently. There’s no knowing when things are going to be ok for a while and when they’ll suddenly go to pots.

I am forced to be patient with myself and deal with the here and now as it is. Whatever the here and now is at any given time.

I’ve had good days and bad days this week. Good hours and bad hours.

Bad times are annoying. But good times have their own challenges. The temptation to start doing loads and getting a bit high from relief. Where as I should be keeping a low activity level and rest as much as I do on a bad day… But the restlessness has been stored up and is overflowing. So when my energy is better I inevitably do too much and then there is a backlash. I do need to take advantage of energy ups – I need to move and socialise because it helps my overall state. But I need to pace myself. Constant trial and error.

I can’t make plans and I can’t commit to anything because I am not reliable and I don’t like disappointing people. Luckily I’ve got a friend who lives around the corner who is understanding and who I feel comfortable around even when I feel rubbish. It helps me to avoid complete isolation. Because the less I socialise the harder it gets. Socialising don’t come easy to me anyway so I have to keep practicing otherwise it just becomes this massive hurdle to get over and I have to re-train myself to be around people which can take a while.

My therapist has talked with me about a concept called ‘the window of tolerance’ which I am finding quite useful. Thinking about my fluctuating mood and energy in terms of over- and understimulation helps me accept what’s going on and readjust in more appropriate ways. Finding that space where being me feels tolerable. Where I am not understimulated (feeling low and sad) and not overstimulated (irritable and confused). My window of tolerance exapands and shrinks. Sometimes it takes nothing for me to start fluctuating. Other times I can test my limits a little bit.

Having to rest and slow down is a lot hard work…


  1. Hi Elisabeth
    We found Brian the 🐌
    Under thoughts on change # 3
    Took us ages to find him under there.
    I know what your thinking πŸ’­
    Why did you not think in first place
    That he would be under #3
    But the goody good thing is that we have had a very interesting sail round your blog crib in our pea green boat 🚣
    ( yes this one is red imagine its pea green 😊)
    Iv got a bit of brain pain now
    Going to rest for 30 mins
    Then go and feed the gee gees ❀️
    My itt curled up asleep 😴 on his fence
    Bless him 🌈
    Little fella all tuckered out ❀️
    Got urge to change t to an f
    Better not may get into trouble πŸ˜‚
    Kind thinks and πŸ€— s
    Jill and gentle man itt ❀️😴


  2. Hi Elisabeth
    Have just re blagged your blag
    Hope this ok ???
    Not got a fucking clue what we are doing !
    Can you tell ? 😊😊😊
    Going to be one of those days 😊😊😊
    We ❀️❀️❀️Days like these
    Shed loads of thinks and πŸ€— s
    Jill and itt the gentle man 🌈


  3. Hi Elisabeth
    How come you boil kettle four times?
    You need sukey to take it off again 😊
    Or get one that turns its self off 😊
    Me and my itt like reading your blog 😊
    Love the words ❀️Your excellent with words 🌈
    I probably told you I’m on “twitter ” or “twatter ”
    Me and my itt also set up a “blog” or “blag” 😊
    No fucking πŸ‘πŸ¦Œ why !
    Who in their wrong minds would want to follow me and my itt ?
    We ain’t got a fucking clue where we are going
    Just a couple of lost souls πŸ™ƒ

    Also we noticed your alphabet…
    Very interesting πŸ’‘
    Really interesting πŸ’‘πŸ’‘
    Extremely interesting πŸ’‘πŸ’‘πŸ’‘

    How are you feeling today ???
    Hopefully not rubbish tip πŸ˜”
    My itt flashed up image of
    ” Stig of the dump ” ❀️❀️❀️

    Don’t say you are feeling crap πŸ’©
    My itt will come up with a lot of images and thinks 😊

    I better go now
    I can hear noises not voices….
    Val in kitchen singing while she chops cucumber for the πŸ‡¬πŸ‡³ piggies
    She can’t see very well and we worry just in case she loses a finger or three.
    I need a pee too 😊
    Chat laters aligators
    Are you feeling crocodile 🐊?
    Really got to go
    Take care
    Many kind thinks and huggy πŸ€— things
    Jill and itt the gentle man ❀️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Elisabeth
    Me and itt bit worried that you feel so rubbish tip still.
    Wish we could suggest something to stop you feeling like you’ve been hit with a wrecking ball.
    You know the sort
    Big crane that looks like it wants to play conkers.
    Hey it takes a crane to build a crane
    Life is wonderful
    Mr A-Z πŸ˜ŠπŸ™ƒ
    My itt still hums this song even though I tell him to shut the fuck up if I’m in crocodile territory 😊
    Don’t know the secret of his recent makeover
    But he has helped me just lately
    Iv not had volacano moment for a week😊
    He’s suddenly become the bloody sound and sign of reason. Bless him 🌈
    We don’t want you going on the downward spiral 😦
    Bit like one of those slide thingy me bob things
    Helter skelter .
    You take care
    Eat plenty of porridge
    Never did the three bears any harm 😊
    Mucho mucho kind thinks
    Jill and itt ❀️
    We have probably over loaded you with emails
    Truly sorry about that.
    Don’t know what comes over us πŸ˜ŠπŸ™ƒ


  5. Hi Elisabeth
    Me and itt following you πŸ™‚
    Hope you don’t mind.
    We arnt weirdos just freaks of nature πŸ™‚
    Sounds like you having rubbish tip of a time.
    Sounds like you got almost every base covered though.
    Which is goody good πŸ™‚ excellent in fact.
    You are a very organised lady .
    Wished the fuck I was organised and a lady πŸ™‚
    My itt becoming a gentle man .
    He’s been having a makeover πŸ™‚
    Which is very very very goody good .
    Anyway just thought we would put a word or three on your fantastic blog
    Hope you not mind πŸ™‚
    Iv got terrible brain pain at this moment in time machine
    Fucker woke me up 😦
    Hate that don’t you ?
    I need my ugly sleep πŸ™‚
    My itt moved over to left window to my soul now
    Right window got a hole in it…. bit drafty:-)
    He’s curled up on his fence sleeping:-)
    Lucky itt.
    I expect your asleep
    You need your beauty sleep 😴
    You can get up in the morning and have your porridge and have beautiful thinks ❀️
    My stan has porridge every morning
    Never misses
    Good for the brain πŸ™‚
    He’s got a very good brain
    He can do his sums in his head so can his sister
    I can’t do sums I’m shite!
    Like words and images as you and yours know …. πŸ™‚
    Do you get snappy like a crocodile when you are going through the mill like you are at this moment in time machine?
    I do 😦
    My itt more tolerant
    But I’m crap at the tolerant game.
    Anyway I’m going to get some shut eye or eyes
    I don’t sleep with one eye open πŸ™‚
    Some people do πŸ™‚
    Right I’m going now….
    Nite nite
    Bed bugs and all that shite
    Good kind thinks to you and yours
    Jill and itt the gentle man πŸ™‚


    • This was so nice to get! I’ve not been on my computer for more than a week which is where I get the emails from you and itt 😊 having another rubbish day today even though I slept well I feel like I’ve been run over by some big heavy demolish-machine. Don’t wanna do anything but make myself do things anyway otherwise it’s just a downward spiral. I could do with a makeover – can you ask itt how he got his? Brain pain sucks – especially when it wakes you up in the night. I hate that. Anyway good to be in touch! Hugs and many thoughts

      Liked by 1 person

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